Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut
by DarkScizor
Summary: This is the TRUE story of the greatest game ever, posted for your enjoyment!  Cause, y'know, I'm nice like that.  Rated T for mild language, blood, and some other stuff that I don't feel like typing in.
1. The Adventure Begins

**A/N: Hello, all you internet people! DarkScizor here! Just so you know, I don't own Mario. Or Nintendo for that matter. If I did, the Star Spirits and the Koopalings would get a LOT more screen time.**

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><p>Super Mario Bros. Director's Cut<p>

Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins

**Location: World 5-1**

The moon shone high above World 5-1. The only thing that could be heard were his footsteps. He crept around the Warp Pipes, the moonlight glinting off of his katana. After about 30 minutes of this, he made it to his destination: a Bill Blaster.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his onmitool. He used the computer interface to set its function to "screwdriver". Working carefully, he unscrewed the panel covering the blaster's motherboard. Changing the omnitool's setting to "wire cutter", he proceeded to snip several of the wires.

He would stop Bowser.

One enemy at a time...

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><p><strong>Location: A few miles outside of Toad Town<strong>

One day, on the outskirts of Toad Town, a fat Italian man was sleeping in his bed, dreaming of pasta, spaghetti, ravioli, and other stereotypical Italian food like that. Suddenly, a short guy with a mushroom on his head sprinted in.

"MARIO! MARIO!" he shouted. The Italian man kept on snoring away. The mushroom man tried again: "C'MON MARIO! GET UP!"

No response.

"WAKE UP YA LAZY BUM!" he said as he violently pulled the Italian – Mario – out of his bed.

The overweight man grudgingly woke up from his slumber. "Aw, can't it wait, Toad? I was just dreaming about food. Mmm...fooooood..."

"No, Mario, it can't! Our worst fears have been realized!"

Mario jolted out of bed and hurriedly got dressed. "You mean..."

"YES! THE PRIN-"

"Hypno and Ronald McDonald have teamed up to steal all of the world's children as they sleep?"

Toad stared for a few seconds. "Wha- NO! **THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY BOWSER!**" After screaming this, he collapsed from exhaustion.

Mario looked down at the unconscious mushroom man. "Uh...m'kay...so why do you need me?" No response. The morbidly obese man kicked him in the stomach. Toad regained consciousness and clutched his abdomen in pain. "Oh, sweet Eldstar, I think you ruptured my spleen..."

Mario said, "Again, why do you need me to save the princess? I barely know her! Now you expect me to save her from...who?"

"The evil Koopa King, Bowser...OHGODMYORGANS!"

The fat man stifled a giggle. "Heh...Bowser...His name's funny...Bowser...But, again, why do you need me? Couldn't you just get somebody else to do it?"

"Good thinking! Take your brother with you... MYLIVERISFALLINGAPARTWHYWON'TTHEPAINEND?"

"But...I...I...ugh. Fine! I'll go save this princess, but I'd better get some kind of reward at the end!"

"Well, I hear she can bake cakes..."

Mario suppressed the urge to stab Toad in the head. He gestured to the thinner man in the bed next to him. "Fine. C'mon, Luigi, let's-a go."

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><p><strong>Location: World 1-1<strong>

Mario looked out across the plains. Everything looked so _peaceful_. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and everything just looked wonderful. Mario turned to his thinner brother, Luigi. "Luigi, I really don't see anything wrong. Just look; everything seems to be okay. Maybe we should just go back ho-"

Luigi pointed. "M-Mario?"

"Yeah, Luigi?"

"BEHIND YOU!"

Turning around, Mario saw what his brother was looking at. Standing in front of them was...

...a...brown...mushroom-y...thing.

Mario stared at it in disgust. "Luigi...what IS that thing?

"Hold on, let me check my guidebook..." Luigi reached into his dark blue overalls and pulled out a gigantic book entitled The Super Mario Bros. Enclosed Instruction Book. "According to The Enclosed Instruction Book, it's called a Goomba. Says here that they're dumber than peat moss. Their main method of attack is running straight into the enemy."

Mario stared at it for a while. "Really? That's just _stupid_." He leaped up into the air and landed on the Goomba. The brown mushroom-y thing was immediately crushed under Mario's massive weight. Mario scraped the Goomba goo off of his shoes and walked on. Luigi just stared at the pile of sticky goop that once was a Goomba. "Eew..."

"LUIGI! GET OVER HERE!"

Luigi trudged over to where his older, fatter brother was standing. "What, Mario?"

Mario pointed up. "Those blocks...they're glowing. What's up with that?"

Luigi consulted The Enclosed Instruction Book again. "Okay, this is a ? Block. They contain mystical powers that allow them to-"

Mario ignored him as he jumped up into the air, fist-first. He hit the ? Block on the right with his fist, and a coin came out. Mario picked it up and looked at it. "So...they contain money?"

"Yes, and-"

Mario jumped towards the other ? Block. A mushroom with a face came out.

"Hi! I'm a magic mushroom! Thanks for saving me! As a reward, I'm gonna give you 3 wishes! So, what'll it be, red dude? Fame? Power? Your very own talk show?"

Mario picked up the adorably cute mushroom and ate it.

Luigi screamed in horror. "MARIO! Why'd you do that?"

Mario smiled contently. "Mmm...fooooooooood..." Suddenly, Mario felt his whole body tremble. He could feel his body lengthening and stretching. After a while of this, the fat Italian man looked down – and screamed.

"MAMMA MIA! LUIGI! WHAT'S-A HAPPENED TO ME?"

"Well," said Luigi, "according to The Enclosed Instruction Book, the mushroom you just ate was a Super Mushroom. They make you grow to twice your height."

"AWESOME!" the 10-foot-tall plumber yelled. "This'll make everything so much easier!" Mario started running forward towards honor and glory and things like that, while his green-clad brother ran behind him, trying – and failing – to catch up. The giant Italian leaped over a green pipe and hit the ground running. He jumped over a few more pipes – and onto a few more Goombas - before he finally stopped and waited for Luigi to catch up. And waited. And waited.

Luigi finally made it to the spot where his older brother was standing. "Next time, could you not run so fast, Mario? Some people don't really have a lot of energy!"

Mario smirked. "Heh...classic Luigi. Always trailing in the wake of his big brother- WAH!" Unbeknownst to the Mario Bros., but knownst to us (Spaceballs reference for the win), a Goomba had snuck up behind Mario and tackled him to the ground. Mario got up, dusted himself off, and proceeded to beat the living crap out of the Goomba. It was only after the Goomba had been beaten to a quivering, 100-point pulp that the man in red realized something.

"Uh, Luigi, what happened to my awesome-sauce mushroom powers?"

After flipping through his book, Luigi said, "Apparently, they only last until an enemy attacks you..."

"WHAT? THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! AND JUST BECAUSE I CAN, I'LL TAKE OUT ALL OF MY ANGER ON YOU!" Mario leaped high into the air, preparing to come down on Luigi's head...

...and hit a block instead.

Mario fell to the ground in pain. "Owww...where did that block come from? And what's that green mushroom?"

Luigi took one looked in his book and screamed. "MARIO! GRAB IT!"

Mario did as Luigi told him. "What is it, Luigi?"

Luigi showed him the book. "It's called a 1-Up Mushroom." The illustration in the book showed a Renaissance-style drawing of a green mushroom. Mario read the corresponding text out loud. "Discovered in 1265 by the Toad Marco Polaroid, these incredibly rare mushrooms have the ability, when consumed, to bring the dead back to life. There seems to be a link concerning these mushrooms involving Worlds 1-3 and 2-1, but current research has yet to determine if this is true."

"Isn't that great, Mario? This thing brings the dead back to life! Just think of the good we could do with-"

Mario ate the thing in one gulp. "Mmm...foooooood...Well, let's get a move on, Luigi." Mario walked on, jumping over a random bottomless pit. Luigi proceeded to strangle the air for a little while before following his brother.

Eventually, Mario and a still fuming Luigi came across another ? Block. Mario hit the glowing block excitedly. "Ooh, I hope this one has another mushroom!" Instead of a mushroom, out of the block came a flower. Mario picked it up in disgust. "Aw, I can't eat this..."

Once again, Mario's brother consulted The Enclosed Instruction Book. "This one's called a Fire Flower. You can absorb its power and shoot balls of flame from your hands. It works by-"

Once again, Mario ignored him and absorbed the flower's power. His entire body was cloaked in a red energy field. His blue overalls turned blood red, and his red shirt and hat turned snow white. Mario looked at his new wardrobe and chuckled. "Oh, this is frigging AWESOME!" He concentrated on his palm, and a ball of flame formed. Mario cradled it in his hand for a bit before hurling it at an incoming Goomba. The unfortunate mushroom-y thing exploded in a pillar of flame.

Mario could hardly contain his excitement. He had the ability to shoot FIRE! This was almost too epic for words! Mario screamed, "COME AND GET ME, GOOMBAS!" and ran off, leaping over the pit in front of him. Luigi, being far smarter, decided to use the blocks floating above him as a bridge to the other side. After a few minutes of this flame-shooting and block-jumping, Mario came to a halt. Standing in front of him was a somewhat humanoid turtle with a green shell. Mario called to his brother. "Luigi, what's that?"

Luigi hopped down from the floating blocks and thumbed through his book. "These things are called Koopa Troopas. They're the main foot soldiers of King Bowser's army, and-"

Mario giggled. "Bowser...hehe..."

Luigi pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Anyway, the book says that you can defeat them by either shooting a ball of flame at them or jumping on them. Since we don't really know everything that this thing can do, I think it's best to shoo-"

Again, Mario ignored him (honestly, at this point, did you really expect any different?) and jumped on the Koopa's stupid-looking head. The turtle pulled itself into its shell in fear. Mario decided to kick the shell simply because he could. The green shell careened toward a squadron of Goombas and hit them all, leaving a blood-and-point-stained mess in its wake. Mario and Luigi stared at the path of destruction the turtle had caused. Mario cheered. "Yes! With all of those Goombas out of the way, there's nothing on Earth that can stop us now. He jumped joyfully into the air...

...and hit another block. After getting back up, Mario looked at the thing that had popped out. It was a glowing star.

Luigi enthusiastically looked in his book. "All right! We got a Star! These things have the power to make the holder completely invincible for about 20 seconds! We'd better save that – who knows when we might need it?"

Mario looked at Luigi, then back to the Star. I'll give you three guesses as to what he did.

Mario absorbed the Star's power. Suddenly, the obese man was enveloped in a field of pure energy. He flashed with the seven colors of the rainbow. Upbeat samba music came out of nowhere. Mario looked over at Luigi and gave him a big, goofy grin. Luigi fell to the ground and quietly sobbed. The man in red tipped his hat, shouted, "Let's-a go!", grabbed Luigi's hand, and dashed off.

He jumped over bottomless pits with the skill of a gazelle. He burned through Goombas as if the were no more than paper. He ran faster than he ever thought possible. He ran up a random staircase and leaped toward a random flagpole.

It was the greatest 20 seconds of his life.

Mario felt the power leave his body and screamed, "SWEET SKOLAR, WHAT A RUSH! Right, Luigi?"

Luigi crawled away for a couple seconds before falling to the ground, quietly saying, "...why...why..."

Mario picked up his traumatized brother and walked on.

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><p><strong>Location: Reykjavik, Iceland<strong>

The girl slept quietly, clutching her Teddy Ruxpin bear. She dreamed of fairies and gumdrops and male models. She had no idea that two tall, thin figures were standing over her.

The hook-nosed one reached down and pulled wispy, translucent tendrils out of her nose. The girl's peaceful countenance faltered for a bit before returning. The man who had taken the tendrils proceeded to devour them.

"This one's dream is delicious. I think we've got a keeper. Don't you think so, Ronald?"

The taller one lifted his arms and yelled, "RAN RAN RU!"

He was quickly shushed by his shorter companion. "Quiet! Do you want them to hear us? Now, quickly, help me carry her."

The taller one nodded. "Hai, Hypno-san." The two figures lifted the girl out of her bed and carried her through the window. They left the house and moved on to the next one.

So many children, so little time.

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><p><strong>AN: Well, that wraps up Chapter One! I'll be updating pretty sporadically, so keep an eye out for the next chapter!**

**No flames, or Hypno and Ronald will come for YOU.**


	2. Welcome To Hell: Come As You Are

**A/N: Hello, all you Internet people! DarkScizor here. So, to answer Anonymous Reviewer Person's question, yes, I'm a HUGE Invader Zim fan! Now, without further ado, here's Chapter 2 of Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut!**

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><p>Super Mario Bros.: Director's Cut<p>

Chapter 2: Welcome to Hell – Come As You Are

**Location: World 1-1**

Mario looked at the pipe looming in front of him. He turned to his brother, Luigi, who was still shaken from Mario's little invincibility jaunt. "So, I just jump in, right, bro?"

Luigi remained silent for a minute, shuddering on the ground, before getting up and answering. "Yeah, that's the general idea."

The overweight plumber forcefully grabbed Luigi's arm and jumped into the pipe.

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><p><strong>Location: Inside the Pipe<strong>

Madness.

Swirling madness.

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><p><strong>Location: World 1-2<strong>

The two brothers exited the pipe and fell 30 feet to the cold, hard ground. Mario got up and offered Luigi a hand up. "By the way, thanks for using your body to cushion my fall, Luigi." Luigi glared at him, then both of them looked forward. The warp pipe led them to a dark, dank underground area filled with blocks and bottomless pits. The few Goombas that they could see were snarling, blood-thirsty perversions of nature.

Mario turned to Luigi and said, "So, nothing too bad, right?"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Luigi screamed. "WE'RE STUCK UNDERGROUND WITH NO FOOD, NO WATER, AND ALMOST NO LIGHT AND WE'RE SURROUNDED BY HIDEOUS FREAKS OF NATURE, AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?"

Mario shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much."

Luigi's left eye twitched a little bit. Mario decided that would be a good time to trudge forward, leading Luigi by the arm. They came across some ? Blocks, which contained four coins and a Mushroom (which Luigi practically screamed at Mario to save for later), and some Goombas, who attempted to rip the two brothers limb from limb until Mario jumped on their heads, getting Goomba goop all over Luigi's clothes.

After leaping over several inexplicably-placed walls and onto the heads of another demon-Goomba and two Koopa Troopas, Mario finally stopped to ask Luigi a question.

"Luigi?"

Luigi was still attempting to remove the tiny pieces of Goomba from his overalls. "Eww...Yes, Mario?"

"Does that book say anything about that Bowser guy? Heh...Bowser..."

Luigi consulted The Enclosed Instruction Book. "Actually, it does. All right..." Luigi started reading aloud. "King Bowser Koopa is the current leader of the Koopa Troop and ruler of the Dark Lands. His many powers include the ability to breathe fire and the ability to summon hammers from nowhere. Bowser's rule in the Mushroom Kingdom currently extends to World 8. His plans for global conquest began in 1985, when he-"

Luigi finally noticed that Mario had left him there.

Fueled with rage, Luigi sprinted after him. After several minutes, he finally found Mario. Invincible. Eating spaghetti off of the ground.

Luigi stared in shock and confusion at the spectacle before him for several minutes. His face turned red and he started screaming at the sky – uh, cave ceiling. Mario just looked at him before continuing to eat his random spaghetti.

This was going to be a _long _day.

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><p><strong>Location: World 1-4<strong>

The room they were in was dimly lit. The only source of light was the massive pool of lava beneath them. The Goomba looked down nervously before looking back up at his commander.

The commander in question finally spoke. "Goombert..."

The Goomba perked up immediately. "Yes, sir?"

"Due to your successes on the battlefield, I've decided to entrust you with the safety of this castle. According to my sources, there are two humans who have managed to put a sizable dent in my army. So, your duty is to kill them both."

"But, sir, how am I going to do that?"

"Glad you asked, Goombert." The Goomba's leader pulled out a magic wand and sent a beam of concentrated magic toward the Goomba. The magic swirled all around him before taking the shape of his commander.

"There, Goombert. Now you look exactly like me. I've also given you the ability to breathe fire as added protection against these two. By the way they're progressing, I'd say you have a few hours before they get here. Understood?"

The now-disguised Goomba bowed before his master. "Understood...King Bowser."

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><p><strong>Location: World 1-2<strong>

Luigi stopped screaming for a moment to catch his breath. Mario pulled out a stopwatch. "Wow. Pretty good time."

Luigi turned slowly towards his older brother. He was about to start screaming at him again when he realized what Mario was next to.

He was leaning on a pipe...

...with a giant plant growing out of it.

And the plant looked hungry.

"Mario! Look out!" Mario lazily looked behind him and jumped back when he saw the plant. He motioned to Luigi to check The Enclosed Instruction Book. "Okay, this one's called a Piranha Plant. According to the book, they live in pipes and feed on unsuspecting travelers. Due to their aggressive nature, they have no natural predators. So, basically, we're screwed if that thing grabs us. We're going to have to figure out its attack pattern and use that to-"

Mario ignored him and walked up to the pipe. Forgetting everything that Luigi said, he kicked the pipe. _Hard._

Luigi started whimpering in fear once he realized what his brother had just done. He closed his eyes, waiting for death to hit him like a...thing that...hits...stuff...I guess. After a few seconds had gone by with nothing happening, Luigi peeked out through his hands. He saw Mario comforting a hysterically sobbing Piranha Plant. "No, it's okay...I didn't mean to scare you like that..."

Luigi stared in confusion before checking his book again. "'The only things that Piranha Plants fear are things that can cause damage to the pipes they live in.' Huh."

Mario hugged the Piranha Plant and dropped it back into its home. "Okay, Luigi, let's-a go!" Mario ran off, leaving his less-than-athletic brother to catch up.

Several Goombas and bottomless pits later, they came to a strange series of moving platforms. One set moved down towards oblivion, and the other set moved up towards the cave ceiling. In the middle of the two sets of platforms was a Red Koopa Troopa, who was guarding several blocks.

"Careful, Mario. Red Koopa Troopas are way smarter than their green-shelled counterparts. If you take this one nice and slow, you should be able to-"

Mario was already on the other side. Luigi facepalmed before jumping onto the first set, then quickly jumping onto the head of the Koopa Troopa.

Except it wasn't there. Mario had already hit it on his way over.

Luigi hit the ground pretty hard. He got up and dusted himself off before attempting the next set of platforms. Amazingly, he made it. The green plumber cheered and did an embarrassing victory dance. Imagine the Kirby Dance if it was performed by a grown man. Anyway, Luigi continued to do this dance before realizing how far up he was. He immediately panicked and fell off. Fortunately, he hit the ground. Unfortunately, he hit the ground.

Mario helped his brother out of the Luigi-shaped hole he created. Containing his laughter, Mario jumped inside a nearby Warp Pipe. Luigi snapped his bones back into place before following his brother.

This adventure couldn't end soon enough.

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><p><strong>AN: So, that's Chapter 2. Before I get a bunch of confused reviews, remember how, in Super Mario Bros, the Piranha Plants don't come out if you get too close to the pipe? Same thing applies here.**

**No flames, or Luigi will break into your home and do the Kirby Dance right in front of you.**


	3. Watch Out For That Tree!

**A/N: Hello, all you Internet people! DarkScizor here. Nothing much to say this time, so...here's Chapter 3 of Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut!**

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><p>Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut<p>

Chapter 3: Watch Out For That Tree!

**Location: World 1-3**

Mario stepped out into the sun, breathing in the fresh, 8-bit air and taking in the sight of the trees around him. He was so happy to be out of World 1-2 that he hardly noticed Luigi groaning in pain behind him, mumbling something about his shattered bones or something like that. Anyway, our obese hero ran forward, feeling the wind blow through his hair.

He didn't notice that they were 200 feet off of the ground.

Luigi rubbed his arm some more before noticing that his brother was about to plummet to his death. Luigi screamed, "MARIO! STOP!"

Mario (amazingly) listened to his younger brother and stopped just before he ran off the side of the cliff. "Aw, why'd you tell me to stop, Luigi? I was just about to break my speed record!"

Luigi painfully got up and walked over to where his brother stood, then pointed down. Mario looked where his brother was pointing – and saw that if he had taken one more step, he would have fallen off the edge. The red-capped plumber turned towards Luigi and said, "Wow...so...thanks...I guess."

Luigi closed his eyes and leaned back, the pain in his arm receding to a dull throb in the light of Mario's praise. _Crisis averted,_ he thought to himself. He opened his eyes to see that his older brother was no longer there. His calm demeanor instantly dissolved into panic when he saw where his brother was – on top of a tree. "MARIO! GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

Mario laughed and jumped onto the next tree, grabbing a few coins and cutting a Red Koopa Troopa's life tragically short. "Come on, Luigi! You'll love it over here!"

Luigi screamed, "ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE? YOU'RE STANDING ON THE LEAVES OF A 200 FOOT TALL TREE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW UNSTABLE THAT THING MUST BE? IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, THEN FINE, BUT KINDLY **LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!** **THERE IS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NO WAY THAT I'M JOINING YOU!**"

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><p><em>5 minutes later...<em>

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><p>"So, enjoying yourself, Luigi?" Mario said as they leaped through the trees.<p>

Luigi just glared at him.

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><p><strong>Location: World 5-1<strong>

World 5-1 was sort of a cold place. Not freezing cold, just chilly. So it was no surprise that the two Koopa Paratroopas walking next to each other were wearing thick scarves around their necks.

The Paratroopa on the left turned to his companion. "So, Parakarl, what are you doing this Saturday?"

The Paratroopa on the right – Parakarl – said, "Not much, Parakramden. I do have to go to the store and pick up some shell wax, but, other than that, I'm totally free."

"In that case, do you want to go play some Wave Race 64 with me on Saturday?"

"Sure, Parakramden! I'd love t-" At that moment, Parakarl was quite rudely cut off by the person behind them.

"Alright, Koopa scum, you've got about five seconds before I kill both of you. So, if you want to keep on living, I suggest you come with me," he said, darkly.

Parakramden looked confused for a moment. "Uh, what's going on?"

The man sighed. He would have to do this the hard way, then. In one movement, he unsheathed his katana, lunged at the two Paratroopas, and sliced their heads off. After taking a moment to clean the Koopa blood off of his sword, he stepped over their corpses and walked on.

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><p><strong>Location: World 1-3<strong>

Mario hit the block floating above him, releasing a Fire Flower. He was about to use it, releasing all of the flower's...fiery-ness, before Luigi stopped him. "Mario, I'd recommend saving that thing for later. Who knows when we might need it?"

Letting out a resigned sigh, Mario put the Fire Flower in his pocket and continued on, followed by a smug Luigi. Mario had listened to him twice in a row! That had to be some kind of record! Anyway, the two brothers continued their quest. They jumped over to the next tree, then the next one. The entire time, Mario had an expression of deep contemplation on his face. Well, deep for him, anyway.

Luigi jumped up, coming down hard on a Red Paratroopa, then rebounding onto a Goomba. After removing the squishy Goomba bits stuck on his shoes, he jumped forward again onto one of the elevator things from the last world. He landed safely on the platform. The green-capped plumber was about to do another Kirby Dance when he noticed something.

He was falling to his death. Apparently, floating girders aren't very stable.

Luigi screamed into the wind like a 5-year-old girl. His life flashed before his eyes. That time Mario stole his lunch money...That time Mario stole his prom date...That time Mario stole his wallet...

Maybe dying wasn't such a bad thing, after all.

Luigi closed his eyes, waiting for the sweet, sweet embrace of death...

...when something grabbed his hand. Surprised, Luigi looked up.

It was Mario.

Luigi was in absolute shock. This was the man who sold Luigi's clothes on eBay! This was the man who threw Luigi's plushie collection into a wood chipper! Why would he suddenly be _helping_ him? Luigi knew something was up; Mario never helped him unless it was convenient. What could he possibly-

Luigi's hand went to his pocket. The Enclosed Instruction Book. Of course. Mario only saved him because he needed the book. Luigi facepalmed with his free hand. Of all the people he could be directly related to, it had to be this guy.

After they reached safe, not-likely-to-kill-them ground, Luigi let go of Mario's hand. He looked up at his brother and saw that he was smirking. Luigi wondered why as he got to his feet. He dusted off his overalls...

...and saw that they were green.

Panicked, Luigi pulled his hat off of his head. It was snow white. So was his shirt. Luigi had become Fire Luigi.

"Wh-what? How could...why...what is this...I don't even..." Luigi looked over at his obese brother again. Mario was still smirking. Luigi's eyes grew wide as he realized what had happened – when Mario saved him, he had the Fire Flower in his hand. When Luigi grabbed Mario's hand, he must have gripped hard enough to activate it. Luigi glared at his brother. "YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST WASTED OUR FIRE FLOWER!"

Mario finally spoke. "I didn't waste it. You did."

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

"Because, Luigi, you need to have some fun once in a while. I mean, all you ever do is read books and watch anime. You've never played a sport, you've never gone hang gliding, you've never gone on a joyride. Luigi, it's time you had some fun."

Tearing up, Luigi said, "So you didn't save me just because you need The Enclosed Instruction Book?"

"Um..."

Luigi facepalmed again. "Oh, well. Might as well get this over with." With that, Luigi launched a fireball at the neared Koopa Paratroopa. The flying turtle burst into flames, screaming something along the lines of "OH SWEET ELDSTAR WHY?" before dropping like a rock.

Luigi stared at the spot where the Paratroopa once was. Mario turned to his younger brother. "See? Fun, right?"

A big stupid grin broke out on Luigi's face. This actually _was_ fun! Luigi ran forward, shooting fireballs every which way (I don't think anybody says that anymore, but whatever), with Mario close behind. Each fireball exploded upon impact, utterly annihilating whatever it hit. Luigi laughed out loud as he shot even more fireballs.

Luigi jumped off of the last tree, landing on a cliff. Another impact a few feet away told him that Mario had done the same. Luigi turned to his big brother. "Mario, thanks for giving me the Fire Flower. Seriously, this is the most fun I've ever had in my life!"

Mario didn't respond. He just looked back at the trees. "Uh, bro..."

"What?" Luigi looked over where Mario was looking. "Oh..."

Every single tree had caught on fire. From inside, the brothers could hear piercing screams as the Goombas and Koopas burned to death. A thick cloud of smoke rose from the carnage, carrying the smell of burnt flesh with it.

Luigi stared in shock. Because of his recklessness, he had utterly destroyed World 1-3. People were dying horribly, and it was all his fault.

Mario broke the silence. "So...that happened." Turning away from his brother, Mario jumped and grabbed the flagpole. It was then that he saw a giant castle looming above them. This was their goal. This was Bowser's castle.

Mario turned his hat backwards, just like Ash did back when Pokemon was still good.

This plumber meant business.

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><p><strong>AN: So, that's Chapter 3, everybody! Hope ya liked it!**

**No flames, or Luigi will inadvertently burn your house down. Seriously, he really should have know better than to just randomly shoot fireballs on top of a tree. For somebody as smart as he is, he can be pretty stupid sometimes.**


	4. Bowser Time!

**A/N: Hey, all you Internet people! DarkScizor here. So, my computer's been having issues, which is why this chapter is so late. With that said, I present Chapter 4 of Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut!**

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><p>Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut<p>

Chapter 4: Bowser Time!

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><p><strong>Location: World 1-4<strong>

Gray, lifeless brick walls.

Pits of boiling lava.

Super annoying music.

This...was Bowser's Castle.

Mario stood there, all stalwart and unfazed and heroic and stuff. He was about to step out towards glory when he remembered something.

* * *

><p><strong>Location: World 1-3<strong>

Mario walked back out of the castle to find Luigi still standing at the edge of the cliff, mouth hanging open as he gazed upon the destruction that he had caused. "They're all dead...because of me..."

"Oh, come on, Luigi! You're not still upset over the entire 'destruction of an ecosystem' thing, are you? Sure, it feels kinda weird the first time, but, after a while, you get used to it. Now turn that frown upside-down so we can go into the castle, beat Bowser, rescue the princess, and hopefully get some cake!"

Luigi didn't move. "Everyone...dead..."

Mario sighed. Grabbing Luigi by the arm, he pulled him towards the castle.

* * *

><p><strong>Location: World 1-4...again<strong>

Gray, lifeless brick walls.

Pits of boiling lava.

Super annoying music.

This...was Bowser's Castle.

The two brothers stood there, all stalwart and unfazed and heroic and stuff (well, Mario did; Luigi just stood in a slightly zombie-like state, still muttering something about how he killed all of those people). Walking down the steps carefully, so as to avoid any accidental neck-breakage, the plumbers jumped over a random pit of lava. They ran for about a minute before stopping.

Blocking their path was a pair of lava pits with a teeny, tiny platform in the center. The platform held a giant, rotating stick of flame. Mario turned to his thinner brother. "Luigi..."

"I got it, I got it..." Luigi pulled out The Enclosed Instruction Book and began to read from it. "Okay, this one's called a Firebar. The book says, 'Are you friggin' serious? You really need to know what this thing does? It's a bar. Of fire. This isn't rocket science, bozo.'"

Mario and Luigi sweatdropped.

Luigi scratched the back of his head. "So...a Firebar. Well, it doesn't look that dangerous, but, just in case, I think we should-

Mario ignored him and jumped over the first lava pit, landing on the center platform. He leaped up fist-first, hitting a ? Block. The red-capped plumber ate the magic mushroom that came out in one gulp, ignoring its cries of pain and agony. After growing to double his height, he jumped over the second lava pit with as much grace as a 10-foot-tall obese man can have. He landed on the other side with a resounding thud, crossed his arms, and shouted, "Beat that!"

Luigi summoned up what little courage he had and jumped across the first pit. He managed to land on the center platform. Luigi pumped his arm in celebration and was about to jump across the second pit when something struck him. Literally.

Luigi's scream of pain echoed throughout the castle as the Firebar pushed him along its path. As the Firebar hit the ground, so did Luigi. The man in green lay there in pain, unable to move for a few seconds. He managed to get to his feet and took a few unsteady steps towards the next lava pit, preparing himself to jump across it. Before his could, the Firebar smacked him in the denim-covered butt, propelling him off the side of the platform and SMACK dab into the edge of the next one. Luigi held on for dear life, barely managing to pull himself up. He crawled over to where Mario was, then collapsed.

Mario smirked. "Looks like I win, Luigi."

Luigi just glared at him.

* * *

><p><em>5 minutes later...<em>

* * *

><p>Luigi had finally managed to stand up, despite the pain shooting up his body. After several death glares in Mario's direction, the two brothers marched onward.<p>

Mario turned toward his scorched brother. "So, Luigi, how much longer do you think we have to walk?

Luigi grimaced in pain before answering. "I'd say about- Mario..."

"What?"

"Mario..."

"FOR ELDSTAR'S SAKE, LUIGI, WHAT IS IT?"

Luigi pointed in front of him. Mario turned to face where Luigi was pointing.

A hallway.

Filled with Firebars.

Mario wiped his forehead. "Phew! The way you were acting, I thought it was something _dangerous!_ Well, let's get this over with."

Luigi looked toward his 10-foot brother, then back to the hallway. He looked at his brother again, then back at the hallway again. A huge, malicious grin spread over Luigi's face.

Mario saw his brother's oversized smile. "Uh, Luigi? Did you overdose on Prozac again?"

Luigi turned toward Mario, the grin still etched into his face. In one quick movement, he grabbed Mario and ran toward the Firebars, laughing like a deranged maniac.

"LUIGI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Luigi's meat shield hit the first Firebar head-on, robbing him of his Super Mushroom powers. Mario barely had time to realize what happened before the second Firebar hit. The red plumber screamed in pain. His scream was cut off as he hit the third Firebar. And the fourth. And the fifth. And the the sixth.

After they had gone through all six Firebars, Luigi let his brother go. Mario landed unsteadily on his feet. He grabbed his hat and put out the small fire on the brim. Luigi cheered. "WOOT! Score one for Luigi!"

Mario slowly faced his brother. He looked toward him with murder in his eyes.

Luigi gulped, then ran out of the way. Moments later, Mario launched himself at Luigi's face. He took his younger brother's head and slammed it against the brick wall. Repeatedly.

"DON'T (slam) YOU (slam) EVER (slam) DO (slam) THAT (slam) AGAIN (slam) YOU (slam) GREEN (slam) CAPPED (slam) BASTARD! (slam) (slam) (slam)" Mario finally let a broken Luigi fall to the ground. Luigi slowly got to his feet. Suddenly, his eyes widened.

"LOOK OUT, MARIO!" Luigi tackled Mario to the ground. At that moment, a fireball went rushing over their heads.

Mario stared in shock. "Uh...what was that?"

Luigi took a few seconds to wipe the blood off of his face before pointing directly in front of him. Mario looked where Luigi was pointing – and then ducked as another fireball went sailing by. He got back up and saw that the fireballs were being launched by...something. He couldn't tell exactly what it was at this distance. Mario grabbed his brother's arm and ran forward as more fireballs were launched over their heads.

After a few minutes of running, Mario and Luigi came to a bridge suspended over lava. Heat rose up from the glowing river of molten rock, causing sweat to form on the brothers' heads. Smoke started forming, obscuring their vision. They could just barely make out a hulking shadow in front of them. Suddenly, it spoke.

"BWAHAHAHA! WELCOME TO YOUR DEMISE, FOOLISH HUMANS! PREPARE TO DIE, FOR THOU HATH INCURRED THE WRATH OF BOWSER, KING OF THE KOOPAS!" The smoke started to clear, revealing the Koopa King himself.

He was a turtle dragon with red hair. Great job, Nintendo.

Mario and Luigi stared at him for a while before the red-capped plumber burst out laughing. "Are you kidding me? THAT'S Bowser? He looks like something a kindergartener on meth would draw! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Luigi nudged his brother. "Uh, Mario, it might not be wise to laugh at him..."

Mario ignored his brother and continued to laugh. Bowser turned to Luigi. "Is he gonna be okay?" Luigi shrugged.

The turtle-dragon facepalmed. "Aw, this wasn't supposed to happen...uh...FOOL! YOU DARE TO DEFY ME? THEN TASTE MY FURY!" Bowser shot a massive fireball from his gaping maw. Luigi ducked, barely avoiding being burnt to a crisp. Mario continued to laugh uncontrollably. "And what's with the name, anyway? What kind of idiot parent names their kid Bowser?"

Bowser continued to shoot more fireballs. Luigi dodged every single one of them with surprising agility, considering he'd just had his face smashed in. Mario, however, kept on laughing as he walked right past the two of them. He kept walking until he reached the other side of the bridge. "HAHAHAHAHahahahaha..." Mario's laughter trailed off as his eyes fell upon something.

It was an axe.

Luigi smacked his head in frustration. "Mario! Can't you help me out here?"

Mario stared at the axe for a while longer. Suddenly, his face lit up. He grabbed the axe and swung it, severing the chain connecting the bridge to the sides of the pit. Luigi's eyes widened in terror as he scrambled to get off of the bridge before it fell into the lava. He managed to make it to the other side just in time. Bowser, however, wasn't so lucky.

Mario and Luigi watched as the turtle-dragon's skin melted off, revealing a Goomba. The Goomba spotted the two brothers and jumped towards the edge of the pit, intent on ripping their faces off, or at least bumping into them. Fortunately for our heroes (but unfortunately for the Goomba), he wasn't even remotely close. The Goomba fell into the lava, screaming as his body was melted away.

Luigi turned uncomfortably to his brother. "So...that happened."

Mario stared in disbelief. "So the stupid turtle-dragon thing was really a Goomba? That has got to be, like the worst climax ever! Besides the ending of Mass Effect 3, of course."

Luigi sighed. "Mario, this was obviously a decoy. Think about it; if you were Bowser, and someone was burning through your forces, and you had to face them, wouldn't you send someone else in your place to test the waters, so to speak?"

Confusion was etched all over Mario's face. Luigi sighed. Apparently, anything that involved that much thought was too much for his brother to handle. He quickly changed the subject. "Anyway, that was some quick thinking back there, Mario. I don't think I could have dodged those fireballs for much longer. Cutting the chain...that was surprisingly well-thought-out! Kudos, Mario!"

Mario snapped back into reality. "Actually, I was trying to throw it right at his stupid-looking face, but I'll go with whatever you said, instead."

Luigi would have facepalmed had he not remembered something important. "Mario! The princess!"

"Oh, yeah!" Mario ran toward the chamber at the end of the hallway. He flung open the door to reveal...

...Toad.

Mario's jaw hit the ground. "How did...I don't...you...what is this...I don't even..."

Toad crossed his arms angrily. "Hello, _Mario_. Thanks to you, I had to get my spleen and half of my liver removed. I hope you're happy."

"What are you doing here? And where's the princess?"

Toad sighed. "Bowser's forces attacked the Mushroom Hospital, and I was captured. As for the princess, well...she's in another castle."

Mario stared. "What do you mean, 'another castle'?"

"She's not here, Mario. She's just not here."

Luigi walked inside the chamber to find his brother mercilessly beating the crap out of Toad. "Um..what's going – on second thought, I don't want to know."

After what seemed like forever, Mario got up and wiped Toad's blood off of his gloves. "Well, better get a move on, Luigi. Turns out she's not here."

Luigi shrugged. "I expected as much. Alright, let's get going." Luigi walked out of the chamber, with Mario following close behind. The door closed with a resounding thud. When the last echoes died away, all that could be heard was a weak voice.

"Please...somebody...help me..."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, that's Chapter 4. Next, World 2!**

**No flames, or Mario will mercilessly beat the crap out of YOU.**


	5. Mystery Science Koopa 3000

**A/N: Hello, all you Internet people! DarkScizor here. Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment...**

…

**ARGHTHISSTUPIDCOMPUTERWHYTHE HELLDOESN'TITWORKOMGWTFBBQ!**

**There, that's better. So, here's the – incredibly delayed – Chapter 5 of Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut!**

* * *

><p>Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut<p>

Chapter 5: Mystery Science Koopa 3000

* * *

><p><strong>Location: World 2-4<strong>

Deep within the World 2 castle, the entire R&D team of the Koopa Army was hard at work on their newest creation. Interns scurried everywhere, carrying test tubes in their claws. Suddenly, the laboratory doors swung open. A Green Koopa Troopa rushed in.

"Everybody listen!" The researchers stopped what they were doing and turned their attention to the messenger in front of them.

"Ahem...According to HQ, the False Bowser stationed at the World 1 castle has been defeated by two humans. Lord Bowser has instructed me to give you guys your orders. First off, security needs to be tightened around here. As you all know, this is the Koopa Troop's main research and development center, so we can't risk losing this castle to the humans."

The scientists gathered around the messenger nodded in agreement.

"Second, this team has been ordered to stall the humans' progress. I'll leave that up to you. And third..."

The scientists leaned in closer.

"He's given you orders to unleash Project Alpha."

At that moment, everybody in the room burst into objections.

"Project Alpha?"

"Is he insane?"

"We haven't even administered a test run yet!"

The messenger raised his hands for silence. "Hey, they're his orders, not mine." With that, he left.

One of the scientists turned to face the others. "Look, we don't have to release Project Alpha immediately. If we can stall the humans for long enough, we can finish the project with time to spare!" At that moment, her face lit up. The Koopa scientist ran to the far corner of the room, where she found a scientist sitting in the corner stitching about 15 human spleens together into a necklace.

The Koopa scientist cleared her throat. "Dr. Koopenstein?"

The guy on the floor looked up from his spleen necklace. "What?"

"We've got a job for you."

* * *

><p><strong>Location: World 2-1<strong>

Mario stretched his arms. "It feels great to be out of that stupid, lava-filled castle! Wouldn't you agree, Luigi?"

"Sure. Fine. Whatever. I just wanna go home..." Luigi moaned.

"Well, we can't until we find this princess and get her to make me a cake. Mmmmm...foooooooood..."

Luigi stared at his brother, mouth agape. "Really, Mario? 'Get her to make me a cake?' Not 'rescue her from the evil turtle-dragon?'"

"Hey, I'm only in this for the cake. Toad said the princess bakes cakes, and, well..."

"But she's in _danger!_ Right now she could be being tortured, or raped, or forced to play Sonic '06!"

Mario turned to Luigi. "And your point is...?"

Luigi sighed and closed his eyes. "Do you know how much harder it's getting for me to tell people that we're related?"

Suddenly, Luigi was hit by a wad of Goomba goo. He looked in front of him and saw that, in the five seconds that Luigi had his eyes closed, Mario had abandoned him, found a Super Mushroom, eaten it, stomped on a Goomba, and was proceeding to do the same thing to two Koopa Troopas.

Luigi was about to facepalm when he noticed something. These two Koopas were flanked on both sides by walls. So, if Mario were to jump on one..."

Luigi ran towards Mario. "Mario! DON'T JU-"

Too late.

Mario jumped on one of the Koopa Troopas. After it retreated into its shell, Mario kicked it toward the other one. The second Koopa Troopa was killed instantly, but the first one kept going until it hit the wall. Luigi could only watch as the shell ricocheted off of the wall and back toward his brother.

Mario deftly jumped into the air and came down on the Koopa shell. The shell lost all momentum and came to a complete stop. He looked up at Luigi. "What did you say, Luigi?"

Luigi let out the breath he didn't know he was holding before jumping down to meet his brother. "Are you INSANE, MARIO? YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN KILLED!** WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RECKLESS?"**

Mario shrugged. "I thought it was kinda cool."

Luigi continued on his rant. "**AND ANOTHER THING-**" Suddenly, Luigi was cut off by a loud scream in the distance.

"FOR THE MOTHERLAND!"

Mario and Luigi looked around, trying to place where the scream came from. After a few seconds, they got their answer.

Luigi was tackled by what seemed to be a Koopa in a lab coat. The Koopa proceeded to jump on Luigi's face. Repeatedly.

"HEY, EVERYBODY!" the Koopa yelled over Luigi's screams of pain.

Mario sweatdropped. Luigi continued to scream.

The Koopa jumped on Luigi's face one last time before getting off. He extended his hand to Mario. "Pleased to meet you! My name's Dr. Koopenstein! What's yours?"

Mario hesitated for a moment before shaking Dr. Koopenstein's hand. "Um...I'm Mario."

Dr. Koopenstein pulled away. "Wait a minute...did you say Mario?"

The obese plumber raised one eyebrow. "Yes..."

"So that guy over there must be Luigi, right?"

Luigi groaned. "Ohhhhh..."

Dr. Koopenstein pulled a clipboard out from inside his coat. "Hmm...according to this, I have to stall you two for at least a couple of hours so that the Koopa Clan's R&D team can finish up Project Alpha." He put the clipboard away. "Well, might as well get started."

For the second time, Mario sweatdropped. "Uh, we kinda have to get going, so..."

Suddenly, he was hit in the face with a pancreas.

Dr. Koopenstein stood there with an armful of human organs. "I find that one of the best ways to stall people is to throw organs at them." He proceeded to throw a spleen at Luigi.

Luigi stared at it in shock before painfully getting up. "Look, we really have to get going, so..." A gallbladder hit him smack in the forehead. "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?"

Mario sighed. "Let's just get out of here." He jumped over the wall of the pit they were in – an easy task, since he still had the powers of the Super Mushroom – and ran down the stairs, preparing to jump on two more Goombas.

Before he could, he heard Luigi's voice coming from the other side of the wall. "Oh, come on, Mario! You can't just leave me here with him!"

He heard another voice – Dr. Koopenstein's. "Don't worry! I'll get you up safe and sound!" A few seconds later, Luigi went sailing over the wall, crashing into the two Goombas.

Mario ran over to Luigi. The green-capped plumber was face-down on the ground and covered in bits of smashed Goomba.

Mario had to struggle to contain his laughter.

He heard Dr. Koopenstein's voice again. "I threw him over the edge!"

"I can see that," Mario replied.

"Nice, huh? I was the Koopa University shot put champion back in nineteen-eleventy-seven!"

Mario looked back at Luigi. "It definitely shows. Well, thanks for getting Luigi up here. Now, if you'll excuse me, we have to get going. Gotta get me some cake."

Luigi cleared his throat.

Mario sighed. "And save the princess, blah blah blah."

"Wait! You can't just leave! I'M SUPPOSED TO STALL YOU!"

Mario ignored Dr. Koopenstein, picked up Luigi, and carried on.

The two brothers jumped over a pipe containing a Piranha Plant and landed on the other side, where they were greeted by five Goombas and two Koopa Troopas.

Mario smirked. "Leave this to me." He jumped up, hitting a ? Block. A Fire Flower came out of the block, and Mario grabbed it, transforming into Fire Mario. He unleashed a volley of fireballs that incinerated everything in their path. Mario immediately ran through the smoke and ashes, leaped over a Warp Pipe, melted the faces of a few more Goombas, and grabbed a bunch of coins.

Luigi managed to catch up with Mario...eventually. He spent a few seconds catching his breath while Mario played with a fireball. Luigi was about to yell at his brother for leaving him behind – again – when he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head.

Luigi dropped like a rock.

Mario continued to play with his fireball, noticing neither his unconscious brother nor the shadow creeping up behind him.

* * *

><p>The world faded back into view as Mario regained consciousness. The first thing he noticed was that his fire powers were gone. The second was that Luigi was beside him, just waking up. The third, well...<p>

"Am I on a...cloud?" Mario asked.

"DING DING DING! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WIN, GOOD SIR!"

Mario and Luigi jumped at the noise coming from behind them. They turned around, anxious to meet their captor, to hear of their reason for being here, to-

Yeah, it was Koopenstein.

Mario and Luigi simultaneously facepalmed.

"I see you're both awake! Good, very good!"

Mario's temper flared up. "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU TAKE US, KOOPENSTEIN?"

"Glad you asked! Welcome...to COIN HEAVEN!"

The two brothers looked around them. They were surrounded by clouds. And coins. And a random beanstalk.

"This glorious place is where all the coins in the Mushroom Kingdom are produced! Please, take as many as you'd like, because you're never getting out of here! Prepare to be stalled...FOREVER! FWAHAHA!"

Mario clenched his fists. "You knocked us both unconscious and took us here just to STALL us? ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?"

"Mario, you really shouldn't insult the guy with the upper hand..."

"SHUT UP, LUIGI!" Mario pushed Luigi so hard that he flew...off the side of the cloud...into the abyss below.

If Mario were a bit more calm, he might actually have cared. As it was, all of his attention was focused on Dr. Koopenstein. "LIKE I WAS SAYING, **ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE? WHEN THE HELL HAS 'STALLING' EVER MEANT 'TRAPPING TWO GUYS FOR ALL ETERNITY?'"**

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Luigi had just hit the ground. Very painfully. After snapping his bones back into place, Luigi happened to look up. Apparently, Mario had missed a ? block.<p>

"Eh, might as well." Luigi jumped up and hit the block...

* * *

><p>"<strong>AND ANOTHER THING-"<strong> Mario abruptly cut off. He could hear a faint noise in the distance. It sounded like music...almost like-

"BOOYAH, BITCHES!"

Mario and Koopenstein stared. Luigi was hanging onto the top of the beanstalk, glowing with the power of the Starman.

Luigi jumped off of the beanstalk and grabbed Mario's hand. The two dashed off, fueled by invincibility.

Dr. Koopenstein ran after them. "Guys, you can't just leave!"

Luigi ignored him and kept running forward. He soon made it to the edge of Coin Heaven. Normally, this would have taken days, but, fueled by the Starman and his own rage, Luigi made it in 10 seconds. He threw Mario off the side (Mario hit the top of the flagpole, for those of you who care) before turning towards Dr. Koopenstein, who, somehow, had caught up with Luigi.

"Hey, Koopenstein!"

Dr. Koopenstein stopped running. "What?"

"IMMA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!"

He did just that, causing Dr. Koopenstein to explode, Michael Bay-style. Luigi jumped away from the explosion and landed on the ground just as his star power ran out.

Mario stared. "That...was...INCREDIBLE, Luigi! Granted, you still have to work on your one-liners a bit, but...WOW!"

Luigi blushed. "Well, you know..."

Mario immediately lost all of his happiness. "Okay, I praised you once. Don't expect it to happen again." With that, he set off towards the Warp Pipe to World 2-2, with a still-beaming Luigi in his wake.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, that's Chapter 5. Next is the underwater level. Hoo boy...**

**No flames, or Super Badass Starman Luigi will punch you in the face.**


End file.
